TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY
by LunaPadma
Summary: Let's annoy the Cullens. And the Pack! LETS JUST ANNOY THE WHOLE POPULATION OF FORKS! Extremely random and totally hilarious!
1. ROSALIE!

I do not own Twilight. I wish, though

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Rosalie

Tell her she's fat

Tell her "The Wicked Witch of the West called. She wants her face back."

"U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi. You ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly." Sing it to her.

When she's ready to go somewhere, say "Oh. It's Halloween already? Nice Frankenstein costume. You really pull it off. Where'd you get it?"

Flirt with Emmet

Replace her shampoo with dog food (the wet kind)

Give her a buzz cut, and tell her, "Emmet likes girls with short hair. That's why he's cheating on you with Alice."

Set her up on a blind date...with Mike Newton. Tell him it was her idea.

Say "You're still wearing those/that out of style shoes/clothes/hairstyle. They/it went out of style three weeks ago."

Give her a makeover...and make her look like a clown. Make her walk all over Forks juggling in it.


	2. ALICE THE Shopper OR SHORTY

I do not own Twilight. I wish, though

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Alice

Sign her up for What Not To Wear...as a contestant.

Kiss Jasper...and send him back with lipstick all over his face.

Burn her shoes

Call her Shorty McShort Shorts. Get knee surgery so that you are shorter than her.

Crash her Porsche beyond recognizable pieces

Use superglue to glue a long, blond wig to her head. Tell her "Jasper likes long, blond hair. That's why he's cheating on you with Rosalie." For more fun do this at the same time as Rosalie's 7.

Burn her wardrobe

Burn Jasper

Change your mind a lot

Hang out in the Quileute forest, close-ish to the wolves, and have Renesmee near you. Ask Alice to see your future in 10 minutes.


	3. Emmett He's just that cool

I do not own Twilight. I wish, though

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Emmett

Say, "What's with all this flab? You know, most people have muscles under their flab. Ever hear of Jenny Craig? Pilates harden of that blob of fat you call abs."

Tell him "You run like a girl"

Crash and burn his car

Burn Rosalie

Tell him that you can name three humans that are stronger than him

Show him pictures of said three humans: Sam, Paul, and Jacob

Kiss him where Rosalie will see you together

Set him up with Jessica. Tell her it was his idea.

Dye his hair blonde. Tell him "Rosalie likes blonde hair. That's why she's cheating on you with Jasper." For more fun do this at the same time as Rosalie's 7, and Alice's 6.

Jeep + Bomb + Random people paid to laugh at him= a very mad Emmett!


	4. JASPER

I do not own Twilight. I wish, though

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Jasper

Change your emotions a lot.

Dye his hair black and say "Alice likes dark hair. That's why she's cheating on you with Emmet." For more fun do this at the same time as Rosalie's 7, Alice's 6, and Emmet's 9.

Jasper has no car. Buy him a "car"(AKA a hot pink indestructible golf cart he can't get rid of, that goes 3.4 miles floored, careening down a hill)

Walk around with your best impression of his "movie face"

Call him Pierre

Follow him around singing annoying songs loudly and off-key

Cut your finger, wave it around in his face, and hide behind the nearest vampire.

Set him up with Jessica, and pay Alice to go and videotape the date, and then get mad at Jasper for cheating on her

Slap him, and then kiss him. Be sure to change your emotions during this one

Running into Forks Cafeteria screaming "Jasper Hale is less manly because he sparkles!" will get you murdered, but will be funny.


	5. I am Sam Sam I am

I do not own Twilight. I wish, though

TOP TEN WAYS TO:  
Annoy Sam

Tell Emily he's cheating on her with Leah

Tell Leah that he wants to get back together

Tell him that Quil is planning a mutiny

Tell him that the Cullens kidnapped Emily

Paint all his clothes bright pink

Light his wolf hair on fire, videotape it, and post it on YouTube as "The Pack Idiot"

Tell him that the Big Bad Wolf called him. He wants his reputation back.

Tell him Sirius Black was going to sue you for identity theft, but then he saw your picture and died laughing

Tell him that Jacob is just hotter. And we don't mean temperature...

"Predict" his future. Tell him that he will be ripped apart by rabid fangirls who will destroy him for being mean to Jacob, Edward, and Leah. And because he's ugly.


	6. ARO coughAfrocough

IF I OWNED TWILIGHT, YOU THINK I'D WRITE FANFICTION?

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Aro

Tell him that Carlisle is planning a revolt, and that Jane and Alec already joined.

Tell him that Sulpicia is dead

Tell Sulpicia that Aro is cheating on her

With Jane

Call him Afro

Tell him that Bella hasn't actually been changed, and what he saw when he went to check was an optical illusion, courtesy of Zafrina

Touch him constantly, and when asked why, say (preferably in front of Sulpicia) "I thought you WANTED to know what I was doing every second of the day!"

Play heavy metal REALLY REALLY loudly in his castle. Make sure that wherever he goes he can hear it VERY loudly

Tell him that Bella and Edward want to join the Volturi

Give him a spa day package, because "dry skin isn't healthy, and his is really, really dry."


	7. Jacob coughmuttboycough

I-hay ont-day own-hay Ilight-tway

That means I don't own Twilight In Pig Latin

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Jacob

Give him a shock collar that every time he passes the boundary line, he gets shocked with a force equal to a bolt of lightning (Idea from AllApologies451994)

Give him a dog bowl (Idea from AllApologies451994)

Tell him that Renesmee is allergic to dogs

Tell him that Embry imprinted on Bella

Tell him that Seth imprinted on Renesmee

Tell him that Leah imprinted on him

Dye his hair pink, and see if it makes his wolf hair pink (hopefully it does). If not, dye his wolf hair pink

Tell him that Edward is more popular than him

Call him a cradle robber (Renesmee is 1. He's 16. I don't get it.)

Ask him to hook you up with his sexy relative Sirius. He can actually work the shape shifting. And bursting out of your clothes? _So _1995


	8. Our Favorite Vampire AKA Edward

I am not Stephenie Meyer

I am Luna

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Edward

Smash his CD collection

Smash his piano

Follow him around thinking "Jacob is sexy. Edward is not"

Follow him around thinking of how cute Bella and Jacob look together

Follow him around thinking of how cute Bella and Mike look together

Ask him to bite you. When he says no, say, "You bit some random kid. I am important. I control your life!" Don't mention that you only control him on fanfiction

Ask him if he dyes his hair

Ask him if he's heard of spray tan

Spray him with garlic

Give his address to every twilight fan out there. He will be ripped apart by fans. Then he'll really hate you


	9. Esme Gigi Genevive Squalor Cullen

I don't own Twilight

Duh

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Esme

Smash her china

Smash her tables

Smash her house

Tell her that her kid actually lived, and that she jumped off a cliff for nothing

Tell her that Carlisle is cheating on her

Tell her that all her kids joined the Volturi

Tell her that all her kids hate her

Invite the werewolves (when they're in wolf form) to wreck her house

Invite the Volturi to wreck her house

Invite kids with blindfolds and baseball bats to wreck her house


	10. Mr Porcupine Man or Quil

Twilight Not Mine. I Not Steph Meyer.

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Quil

While talking to him, casually mention "Btw, have you seen Claire? Last I saw her, she was with Seth..." (Idea from AllApologies451994)

Tell him that Claire is a werewolf

Tell him that Claire is a vampire

Tell him that Claire was a vampire, but then was ripped apart by the Volturi because she was an immortal child

Tell him that he missed Claire's birthday, and she is never going to speak to him again

Tell him that Seth imprinted on Claire

Whenever Quil enters the room, say 'Quil. Are you house-trained? Do I need to get you a litter box?"

Call him Porky

When asked why, say "Porky. Short for porcupine. What do porcupines have? Quills!

Call him Penboy, because pens were once called quills!


	11. Carl Junior Isle

I updated Sam's chapter! It's really funny!

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Carlisle

**Padma helped write this**

_Italics =written by Padma_

**Bold = written by Luna (if you don't get it read our profile)**

_Step 1: Play the theme song to the Addam's Family and snap along with it! Also command him to snap along._

**Step 2: Call him Dr. Acula **_(if you don't get it, watch Scrubs)__**.**_

**Step 3: Paint his walls red and spray blood-scented perfume **_(don't ask where we get that from)_

**Step 4: Tell him there's a guy who calls himself "Arrow" who says that he wishes to destroy the Cullens. Say that you invited him for dinner, and he's bringing dessert.**

_Step 5: Tell him that Edward has eloped with some girl named Jane. _

_Step 6: Tell him that Bella has eloped with some guy named Laurent. _**I think...it may have been Lauren Tuh.** _(I mean Laurent isn't really a name is it?)_

**Step 7: Dress up as his father and spray him with garlic.**

**Step 8: Tell him that Jasper has decided to kill all vampires in the west. And he teamed up with some girl named Maria!** _Who's that? Just kidding… _**We think.**

_Step 9: Tell him that Jacob asked Rosalie to turn him into a vampire, because Bella is turned on by cold, wet things. _**Rosalie said yes.**

_Step 10: Tell him that Esme and Emmet…_ **got married! ** **(If he barfs, too bad) **_(If he decides to make an exception to his 'no killing humans' rule, I would recommend asking to be bitten… and adopted)._

_At the end of this list…_**he should be walking around singing nursery rhymes…**___in that voice you use to talk to five year olds…___

**WHATS WRONG WITH THAT???? **

_So many things, so many things._

Disclaimer: **If we owned Twilight, we'd be rich and famous. We're not rich. We're not famous. Yet.**___We also do not own Scrubs or the Addams_ Family. **Or the Volturi. **_Although I do own Jacob. _Steph Meyer: No you don't. _He loves me, that counts for something. _**He doesn't know who you are. **_That's what all of you think… You know that unnamed girl in Eclipse who came to the bonfire? _** There wasn't one. **_That's what you think… _**I have that book memorized, there wasn't one. **_Notice the 'unnamed' part! They just ignore me… but I was there. _**If they ignore you, how does Jacob know who you are? **_Oh he knows… he knows._** You do know Jacob's taken, right? **_Minor details… She's one year old! I can have him for now!_** She's prettier than you, and she outlives you! You can't have him! **_I can for now, and then I can go find Sirius Black!_** That's a very possessive one year old, and look at Bella, Rosalie, Alice, and Renesmee. And possibly Esme. You won't stand a chance… **_What's that supposed to mean?_** They're inhumanly beautiful – you're merely pretty. **_But I'm smarter than all of them combined. And I'm awesome. _**Alice has more awesomeness than you in her pinky toenail. And Bella knew the square root of pi before she saw the Twilight Movie. And she passed Calculus. **_I haven't taken Calculus yet… _**Minor details. **_Uhh, yeah… that was kinda long – nothing belongs to us. End of story. _**I own steps two, three, four, seven, and eight! What do you own? **_The rest (that would be steps one, five, six, nine, and ten). _**I own parts of those! **_Then I own parts of yours…_

_**The End!!!**_


	12. What kind of name is Caius?

I am not Steph Meyer I am Luna and ignoring periods

.I. .L.I.E.D.

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Caius

Exist

Give him false information

Replace his robe with a bathrobe

And then have a spa party

Dye his hair pink

Ask what's his power, because every other vampire in the coven has one...

Tell him that you couldn't walk into a school without someone having heard of the Volturi and the Cullens

Set a werewolf loose in the castle

Convince Aro to drink animal blood from now on

Tell him that Athenodora joined the Cullen coven


	13. Even I can do nothing with Marcus's name

I am not Steph Meyer. No duh.

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Marcus

Tell him that Didyme never died.

Tell him that it's all his fault that Didyme died.

Tell him that Didyme escaped, changed her name to Esme, and is now married to Carlisle

Tell him that Didyme escaped because she hates him

Ask him to read your emotional ties with a celebrity (i.e. Johnny Depp)

Tell him that Didyme suffered complete memory loss and became a werewolf named Leah.

Tell him that Didyme suffered complete memory lose and became a human named Bella

Tell him that Athenodora is actually Didyme in disguise

Tell him that Caius is actually Didyme in disguise

Tell him that Didyme suffered complete memory loss, became a vampire named Victoria who fell in love with another vampire named James, and then they were both killed by the Cullens.


	14. The Fig Newton Man!

I own nothing

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Mike Newton

Tell him that Bella went to his store yesterday and was asking if he wanted to get together but Mike didn't have AT&T so he missed that call! (Idea from an anonymous reviewer named Alice)

Call him Mike Fig Newton

Just call him Fig

Shave his head

Set him up with Leah

Tell him, in great detail, how much Twilight fans hate him

Tell him, in great detail, why everyone thinks that Edward, Jacob, Emmett, Jasper, Embry, and others are hot.

Tell him how the only doglike people that Bella likes are werewolves (cuz we can't forget that Mike's a golden retriever...)

Ask how much gel he uses. When he tells you, say "Well, gee! Edward doesn't use any! And he doesn't use hairspray either..."

Talk about how Bella was so repulsed by him that she went for the man over a hundred years old


	15. Isabella, dressed in yella

TOP TEN WAYS TO:  
Annoy Bella

Threaten/harm Renesmee

Threaten/harm Edward

Threaten/harm Jacob

Threaten her family and friends

Tell her that she can't have something

Tell her that you're planning her and Edward's anniversary, and that your planning make's Alice's parties/decorations look like some paper streamers at McDonalds.

Trash the mini-home

Yell "Eddiekins is DEAD!!!!"

When she says "Yeah, I know." Say "No! Some dude just pulled him apart and set him on fire. Well, technically it's a wolf, but like, it huge, and it's russet-colored. So technically some wolf thing just killed him."

Force her to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. While watching, make comments like "Doesn't that dude look kinda like Eddiekins?" or "Is that Rosalie or Kate?" or "You're not Eddiekins's most treasured object? Weird." When she says "This is just a movie." Say "No. This is my documentary on Eddie-weddie"

BONUS!!!! Call Edward stupid pet names (as shown above. They're the underlined ones.)


	16. Janeypookums

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Jane

When you see her, ask "Hey, is your last name Eyre?"

When she tortures you, laugh hysterically

When she asks why you aren't screaming in pain, say "Screaming in pain? Your special power is tickling someone from far away, right?"

Hug her constantly

Give her a fluffy bunny stuffed animal for her birthday

Send her to anger management class

Take her shopping with Alice Cullen and don't let her go home **Warning: May require Bella so that you don't get tortured.**

Force her to read gooey romance novels to "get in touch with teenagers of the day"

Make her watch the Titanic with you so that she can "tap into her emotions"

Say "Hey, Jane Austen, can you autograph this copy of Pride and Prejudice?"


	17. Alec coughNovacainlosercough

TOP TEN WAYS TO:

Annoy Alec

Make a long list as to why Jane's power is better

Make a long list as to why Edward/Jacob/Embry/Aro/Jasper/Seth/James is hotter

Follow him around all day

Poke him incessantly

Sing/hum/whistle Miley Cyrus/Jonas Brothers/Barney/Tik Tok/Llama song/anything suitably annoying while following him around

Follow him around doing the chicken dance

Spray him with Novocain and talk about how it's just like his power!

Light him on fire and say that you're reenacting his human life

Talk about the Mortal Instruments Alec, and since the Mortal Instruments Alec is dating a warlock, ask this Alec when he's gonna hook up with Dumbledore

Make bets as to who would win in a fight to the death: Alec or your pet bunny rabbit named Bunny Rabbit. Make sure he knows that you voted, hands down, on the bunny rabbit.


End file.
